Random Acts of Randomness

Monday, February 21, 2005

Fear

(edited to add some other stuff)

(Disclaimer: This is a post where I go deeper than I usually do. I'm not really all that comfortable doing this. So if I sound a bit clumsier than usual, I apologize. I am just not used to this mode of writing.)

This weekend I have been forced to think upon many things that I am not comfortable with. One of those being my mortality. I saw a movie that literally broke my heart. I've been trying not to think about it too much. But something haunts me.

Driving. I have been in four car accidents, three of them in the last year. Also, I have had many close calls. I know I am not that skilled a driver. But it's getting to the point where I am scared to get behind the wheel. That's how I felt Saturday evening.

It's not death that I fear. It's the process of it. I know that many people wish for a long life and a quick death, but few get that wish. I hate pain. And I hate suffering. And I hate watching my loved ones suffer. I don't know if I could put my family and friends through something like that.

Most of the time, my mantra has been "If I think about it, I will get depressed. And I don't like being depressed. So I won't think about it." But instead, I have to keep thinking about what God told Joshua: "Be strong and courageous...for I will be with you wherever you go." I have had to cling to that promise many a time. Like now.

I cannot allow Satan to consume my thoughts. I cannot keep fearing death. Because fearing death is actually fearing life. (Wow...did I just make a quote?)

Another thing that I have to fight is loneliness. Living about an hour's drive from the vast majority of my friends, I often feel alone. I'm learning to depend on God for my company. (And eating up about 250 highway miles a week.) That's why I keep this blog: to let my friends know what is going on in my life.

Although admittedly, there is little going on. Most of my posts are "well, I did this, and I said this, etc. etc." And I admit, to the person just surfing on this website, that's boring. But to me, this is my life. I'm not interested in posting political or controversial stuff just to get hits on my blog. I post things that matter to me. After all, this is what this blog is about.

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